Why am I not posting

I'm not posting as regularly as I want to. Why? I mean, I've got less than two weeks left. (of freedom) and I should record most of it. As much as I can. But then, I realised...

I havent posted for a few days, and lots of things happened, during which I told myself to write in the blog. But now, they seem mundane. Pointless in every sense. No really, think about it... Nothing to write about actually. I'll end up writing paragraphs of extremely standard stuff.. Standard things are boring.

So, I'll pick a random event and talk about it.. hmmm hmm,.. here it is:

I was at the hospital, visiting my grandmother. Then there was a commotion with a group of doctors, nurses and a patient. It was a lady's voice. She was complaining about how she don't want to stay in hospital, asking the doctors the chance of her dying while operating, and other weird questions.

I came at non-visiting hours, so there wasn't anyone else there except patients. So, the doctors just told her what is needed to shut her up, and they left. Some of them were shaking their heads.

She looked all glum and pissed. Then she started talking to me...

Turns out, she suffers from kidney failure and requires dialysis(spellin), and she's already so pale. Quite a sad face. She's so young, 19 years old. She told me her father is in China finding a donor for her. Her father and his girlfriend, she said. But she said her father doesn't really care about her. He actually went to China either to leave her be or find someone to take her from him. I find that a bit ridiculous, but the way she said it was really as if she believes it.

I really pitied her. And when every nurse came into the ward, she asked, "I want to AOR (don't know what that means), I want to go home. I don't want to stay."

I asked her why she was here. She showed me a bandaged arm, and said that her arm somehow got infected. Probably because of the kidney. I don't know. It was really sad. She was like beyond the point of crying. I asked where she lived and who's staying with her. She said she lives alone, and her mother's maid only comes once a week to clean the house. I didn't dare ask her about her mother.

I don't know what to say to her. But then she suddenly asked about relationships and if I have someone. I said, no, I don't. Then she said, "I also don't have boyfriend. I just go cinema, eat popcorn only."

Then she pointed to her bracelets and ring saying, "I'd rather buy all these pretty things than get a boyfriend." I asked if she had broken up with her boyfriend or something.

"No lah. Who want me as their girlfriend. I very leceh one. Every few days must go dialysis, then crowded place I can faint. Always very weak one..." She was almost in tears. But I can see that she's trying to ignore her emotions, and she's just talking to me to vent her frustrations of life.

I felt really awkward. After a brief silence, she threw herself back to bed. (she was sitting up on the bed while talking). I thought she was done talking with me, and wanted time alone. So, I went back to my grandmother's side, who was still sleeping. Then she sat up again and called to me. "I can die you know."

"Doctor said my chances if I get a kidney even, to a successful op is 60 percent." she said.

"But just now they didn't say what.." I told her. Coz I was listening to the commotion just now.

"Aiyah, they just don't want to tell me..." Then she sighed and bumped back to bed.

The visitors then came, and flooded the room. No one came to see her. I felt really sad for her.

I lack the courage to tell her to cling on to something. And if there's nothing, cling on to faith. The truth. It will certainly calm her. But I don't know how to tell her... or anyone, in fact. I was thinking how to tell her this advice throughout our whole conversation.

I hope things work out ok for her... We should treasure our lives and health and family,